Football is a bit of an oxymoron–and I think the fellas and the ladies would agree. They call it the beautiful game. This is a categorical truth, the beauty of the game itself cannot be argued. It can, however, cause arguments. I recently read a book called “How the World Makes Love”, about the cultural differences surrounding sex and relationships. The book contained a list that went something like this:

TOP 5 RELATIONSHIP GRIPES:
1. Money
2. Communication
3. Sex
4. Family
5. Soccer

In my relationship, calling it “soccer” in the first place will get the blood going… Ladies, if you’re in cahoots with a European just call it “football”. Standing by the American “soccer” is not worth the time and energy, and there’s no use crying over spilled soccer anyways.

This week as the finals of the 2010 Cup draws nearer, I sat down and had a beer with Mr. Football to talk through the ins and outs of the game. Mes filles–if you’re cruising the sports bars here are a few lines that’ll land you in the cool-girl-knowledgeable-about-football camp:

-Rooney really underperformed this World Cup. In fact, all the major stars were very disappointing. Messi, Ronaldo…its the damn curse of the Nike add!
-Absolute rubbish! The refs have actually affected the outcome of the world cup–how is that possible in this day and age?

As we got into it, Mr. Football began to evangelize me. “It’s your country! And it brings your whole country together, the Cup. Where else do you find real home-bred patriotism anymore? To celebrate in a bar with your countrymen…well, it’s really the best.” Pride, faith, and victory… THAT je comprends. And toss in some sexy sweaty men–what’s there to fight about ladies?

If Beckham can show up looking dapper in a 3-piece suit to a game despite his injury, the She Is French women should easily drum up the courage and conviction to support their country (and possibly their man) in the last days of the World Cup. Mr. Football asked me to deliver this message to mes filles: when and if your boyfriend’s team loses, be really REALLY nice. “After all, their hopes and dreams that have been built up over the four years have come to a screeching halt.”

More juicy bits of information to add to your cheat sheet:

Sexiest footballers: Ronaldo (recently shot for Mert and Marcus for Calvin Klein), Torres, and Donovan.
Best Manhattan bars to catch a game: Niketown on Bowery, the Soho Grand, Times Square…

As he downs his last Guinness Mr. Football leaves me with this last nugget of wisdom: “To a man, there’s nothing more beautiful than a great goal…it is really a work of art.”

I coyly question: “Not even your lovely girlfriend waking up next to you in the morning? Not even Penelope Cruz?? Megan Fox???”

Mr. Football pauses… He’s thinking.

“Nope.”

Fair enough…

~ Lily La Tigresse